January 31, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1213

“What do you want to be?”

2016: department manager.
2015: out.
2014: alone.


A.   lose weight
a.   so far i have lost 8 lbs. of this morning.  go me!  i still have 22.2 lbs. to go so i a ways to go.  i falter last week but i’m ok with that.  i made it almost 3 weeks before crashing so, let’s try 4 weeks this time. 
b.   my walking has not been that great.  i have a new plan to get that working.  that, and i need to get my measurements and get the ab lounger out. 
                                         i.    grade:  A on weight lost, F for the walking so C. 
B.   get my shit together
a.   i worked on it a bit but not that much. 
                                         i.    grade:  F
C.   write
a.   my story is coming along, i’m getting ideas for it every time i put words down.  i don’t want to go tropy but it might in some areas.
b.   blogging is good.  i’m going to start my 40 Days this mouth and i’m about to hit 2,000 post.
                                         i.    F for story, A for blog, C overall. 
D.  become a better witch
a.   nothing happening here. 
                                         i.    grade:  F
E.   money
a.   student loans may be paid off earlier, if my tax returns are what it says what it says. 
b.   credit card has not moved.
                                         i.    i’m gonna say D just on the news of the student loans. 
F.   crochet
a.   i got one done!  and then i added a lot more!
                                         i.    grade:  D.  see if i can get more done this month. 

so 10ish days ago, i had an F+ grade.  i can say i have a strong D- now.

small improvement but, it’s a step up. 

hell, 10 days and my grade went up that much.  i got hopes after 28 days. 

January 30, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1212

“What do you want to forget?”

2016: yeah, i don’t want to forget anything.
2015: um, yeah. keeping a journal, online to boot, for the past 14 years. don’t know how i can forget anything at this point.
2014: what’s the point of having a blog for 13 odd years if you want to forget something?

January 29, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1211

“What was the last TV show you watched?”

2016: i was off so i watched a lot of TV today.
2015: Agent Carter.
2014: Supernatural.

fight the white man

i knew when (it) won that this would happen. i knew that shit would get bad and the true ugliness of (it) would shine through and it would wash over the county like a runny diarrhea.
i cried as i heard (it) become president and i cried the next day. i cried on Saturday for such a different reason.
i’ve seen the grander and talk about theses marches and see them fizzle out. Saturday, the 21st of January, 2017 was not it.
the Woman’s March was on ALL SEVEN CONTINENTS. let me say that again for ya’ll in the back: IT WAS ON ALL SEVEN CONTINENTS, EVEN FREAKING ANTARCTICA!!!  LINK!!!
and there were protesting this weekend that happen overnight over bullshit that was decree from high.
Todd in the Shadows got to me and i signed up to donate $10 a month to the ACLU. at the time, i thought my $10 would mean nothing.
and look today: ACLU Received “Unprecedented” $19.4 Million in Donations Since Saturday. don’t tell me my $10 don’t mean anything right now!
i don’t have hope right now. this isn’t me breathing a sigh of relief. right now, we are two for two, two weeks in, two protest. this is a fight and we are not going away quietly to cry. we are done crying. we are mad. we are pissed off.
we are fighting.

do i have to say anything when a Muppet fansite is fighting too?)

January 28, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1210

“How do you describe your home?”

2016: worthless.
2015: shack in the woods.
2014: shack in the woods. 

January 27, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1209

“Which art movement best describe you today? (Surrealism? Modernism? Dada?)”

2016: worthless.
2015: rustic.
2014: cartoon.


so, this has not been a good week.
i did not go out and kick as much ass as i had hope. my period started and that just threw a wrench into plan of action.
i am plotting for next month to take that week off (of walking) in hopes then of maybe doing it as a plus.
still need to see if i can get the ab lounger up and going.
and i still need to get my vitamins up and going.
nope. just grabbed them and got them ready for the week. at least i can start doing that.
and i did get my tarot bag done.
and i kinda want to write tonight but i just don’t feel it at all.
ok, so Saturday is a new day and a new workweek. i need to get back and up and at them and crochet and all kinds of shit.
let’s do this.

January 26, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1208

“Today you needed more ___.”

2016: internet.
2015: money.
2014: i don’t think i needed more of anything today.

January 25, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1207

“What makes you ‘you’?”

please look over the past seven years of this blog for the answer.
that would also include my Tweets, Instagram, and Tumblr.
2016: i ain’t got time for this shit.
2015: DNA.
2014: DNA.


ok, so i’m not doing that great with making my life better but i still believe that i am moving forward.
i’ve started a bullet journal. am i doing it right? i don’t think so but i am enjoying how i’m making it a planner/to do list. i hope it helps with my reboot.
i have not walked this week. i will try for a walk the next two days. my back has been killing me as my period is trying to start.
i’m also assuming my weight gain is due to said period.
Colt has gotten me into Snapchat. i still miss him on Twitter but this might work.
actually, i just straight up miss him. it doesn’t hurt Matthew’s feelings when i tell him that so that’s a plus.
still don’t know 100% what’s all going on in Springfield. still going down for Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 in May. will see what’s happening then, first hand.
they started making the next Avengers movie. no Joss but i’m still hopeful.
hope. it’s what i got. hope and watching my social media feed will of the shit that is going down in the world and that there are millions of people pissed off and are not going to take it anymore.
even watching Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. last night could not fill my feed with nerd stuff.
i think i need to crochet tonight.
or write.
or both.

January 24, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1206

“If you were going to start your own company, what would it be?”

Penguin Magicks: a combo of my talents of witchcraft and of crocheting.
2016: Penguin Magicks: a combo of my talents of witchcraft and of crocheting.
2015: Penguin Magicks: a combo of my talents of witchcraft and of crocheting.
2014: Penguin Magicks: a combo of my talents of witchcraft and of crocheting.

January 23, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1205

“Do you need a break? From what?”

2016: yes, work.
2015: i’m on a break!
2014: nothing right now. i’ve been on a break too long.

January 22, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1204

“Are you seeking security or adventure?”

mostly security right now.
2016: adventure.
2015: both, at the same time.
2014: both, at the same time.

January 21, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1203

“What are you looking forward to?”

seeing Colt and Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2.
2016: i don’t know anymore.
and there’s Phantom in March.
2014: short term, VD with the bf. long term, Avengers 2.

January 20, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1202

“Are you holding a grudge? About?”

i am working on hexing the shit out on cunts who are fucking with me.
2016: see last year’s.
2015: when i was 16, i told the only blood grandfather i have ever known he was going to burn in hell for killing my grandma.
i don’t give a fuck anymore about grudges anymore.
2014: well, my sister told me i’m going to hell and i’m not all into her now.

January 19, 2017

5 yr bog, day 1201

“List three foods you ate today.”
  1. Cherry Dr. Pepper
  2. sour cream and onion potatoes chips
  3. bad French bread pizza

  1. Cherry Dr. Pepper
  2. McDonald's
  3. Catholic nachos
  1. Cherry Dr. Pepper
  2. salad
  3. McDonald's
  1. Cherry Dr. Pepper
  2. really bad pizza
  3. McDonald's


Wil Wheaton wrote about rebooting his life and maybe i read too much of his stuff but maybe i need to put myself into that idea.
 ok, so let’s try and do this.

A)  lose weight
a.   ok, so 2016 was not a good year for me and my health.  i gave up and it all went downhill.  i had been losing weight since 2015 but with 2016 i gain 16.2 lbs.  i’ve started back to walking and hardcore using my Lose It! app to get heathier.  so far, i’ve lost 10.6 lbs.  is this good?  yes.  BUT, based on my walking speeds, i’m way slower than i was in 2015.  i want to get that back on track too.
                                                 i.    grade:  A on weight lost, D on speed so C+.
B)  get my shit together
a.   yeah, my room.  i don’t know how it got this bad and i don’t know how to make it better.  i keep making plans on working on it and it all ways on the way side.  i need to put my nose to the grindstone and get this worked on.
                                                 i.    grade:  F
C)  write
a.   National Novel Writing Month, hits in November and i work in retail so you see how well that goes.  this year, i did the math and 137 words a day will net me a 50,005-word novel by the 31st of December.  so far, i’ve hit my goals for that.  i just started writing and i got an idea of the story but i don’t know where it will end.  it’s exciting.  (and i want to blog more)
                                                 i.    grade:  F for the novel, that’s just low word count for now, and A for blogging which give me an C over all. 
D)  become a better witch
a.   this hinges on getting my room better.  it’s been so long that i don’t think i could do anything.
                                                 i.    grade:  F
E)   money
a.   this will be the year i pay off all my student loans and right now, get my credit card under control.  i am trying to work the system and cut corners.
                                                 i.    grade:  E.  will come back to this later for more info.
F)   crochet
a.   too much of my projects get thrown to the wayside.  this year i am going to buckle down and get shit down.
                                                 i.    grade:  F.  i have not finished any of my projects yet.

ok, that’s 6 goals.  my average grade right now is:  F+.  awesome.
 and with me checking in on this, hopefully around the 1st of every month, it may not go up that much by February. 
 but now i have a plan.  just have to get up and do it.  

January 18, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1200

“What was peaceful about today?”

nothing was peaceful but it wasn’t a bad day over all.
2016: not a damn thing.
2015: nothing. i’m on day 5 of 6 in a row. i feel like shit everywhere and i hate what few friends i have.
2014: men’s underwear or baby food. i pray at either place there is such calmness.

let's do it

ok, let’s blog.
winter weather hit home and left me iced in at Judy’s for the weekend. this woman is a life saver and, drove me to work, and gave me her bed.
ice came and went and that was about that.
i’ve done nothing over my weekend.
i don’t know what i need to motivation myself to get the hell out of here. i don’t know if going back on my vits will help or not.
i am going to walk today and i will work on my room. i will always look into crocheting an octagon for a tarot card bag.
i will get better and do things.
i will move inches and become a more awesome person.

January 17, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1199

“What’s the oldest thing you’re wearing today?”

my skin.
2016: my skin.
2015: i’ve had this body for 34 years now. how’s that for oldest thing?
2014: i’ve had my pentacle for 9 years now.

January 16, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1198

“Do you owe someone money? Does someone owe you?”

i’m not answering this.
2016: no, i do not.
2015: to the Discover and that rat bastard owes me money.
and Matthew owes me a bit, too.
2014: i owe to Discover and there’s a rat bastard who owes me.

January 15, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1197

“On a scale of one to ten, how was your lunch today?”

2016: McDonald's.
2015: homemade so, better than last year.
2014: fair.

January 14, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1196

“Are you a leader or a follower?”

i don’t know.
2016: i don’t know anymore.
2015: i can do both.
2014: both?

January 13, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1195

“Where do you want to travel next?”

2016: Springfield.
and Nicole.
2014: STL to see Nicole.

January 12, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1194

“What’s your favorite accessory?”

my pentacle and my shark necklace.
2016: my pentacle and my shark necklace.
2015: my pentacle.
2014: my pentacle.

January 11, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1193

“Today you lost___”

nothing really.
2016: a hero.
Rest in Peace David Bowie.
2015: nothing. in fact, i found a lot of stuff.
2014: time.

January 10, 2017

5 yr blog,day 1192

“Write down something that inspired you today.”

2016: Blackstar by David Bowie.
2015: Colt.
2014: deadline.

Hot Tramp

i have this Facebook page, Penguin Ministry, where i try to help those who want it.
with that as my platform, i declared January 8th to the 10th as the Days of Bowie, where we can celebrant the lives and time of David Bowie. i got my girlfriend, Nicole of ms. deeds to help me pick out some songs and what they meant to us.

We start the Days of Bowie with what might be the first taste of Bowie: Labyrinth.
What can one say about this movie besides, pants. Just lots of shots of pants.
And there are some Muppets there but really, pants.

Fifteen years before my time and this whole record speaks to my soul. It is hard to pick a song or a lyric. The inspiration is there. So, I'll try to stick to the idea encompassed in the first few lines of “Fill your Heart” -"Forget your mind and you'll be free." This is just one of the many lines that sticks out amongst a memorable song, album, career. It's one of the first of the most of the odd Bowie albums- Hunky Dory.
Embrace the weird is my personal motto. Bowie was with me on my journey while I figured out that was okay. His creative spirit helped me with more than an epiphany or two along the way. Without exposure to his music and the paths it led me to…I wouldn't be quite as quirky of a Nicole as I am today. There likely would not be a chameleon tattooed between my shoulder blades. I likely would not have had a mohawk for the last few years. I likely would hate my mother less (ask me about fucking concert tickets in St. Louis during his last tour). Bowie helped me to enjoy my slice of time and space more thoroughly. He influenced my aesthetic and personal art. He recommended the music I listened to, books I read, and art I observed.
I am a punk. I am androgynous. I am queer. I love David Bowie. I'm never sure of the order.
“Queen Bitch” is one of my early favorites. I listened over and over and over. The lyrics sunk in. The timbre - the shrill emphasis - timbre. Sigh… and to learn it's inspired by Lou Reed? Even better. I followed their lyrics and collaborations and piled through books and magazines for photographs. (Yes, pre-internet.)
"And if she says she can do it then she can do it she don't make false claims. Oh she's a queen and such are queens that your laughter is sucked into their brains."
I see this lyric in my dreams. I wonder if he imagined words we have all read in fairy tales. I wonder if he just imagined the wild feminine spirit and put into words what it is like to be made one with our energy. I wonder if it was words drawn out of a hat.
Folks-he was a professional clown at one point. It could all be a joke. In a memoir published post mortem; we may all learn that all of these lyrics were in fact drawn from a hat.
This song lyrically, has little meaning. I won’t' pretend that it's profound. I do enjoy imagining who may have been the inspiration for the three different roles in the story.
The song taken in its entirety from the point of this observer - the imagery purveyed - the instrumental-the subject matter- the resonance in recall causes it to stand out. I identify with the spirit encompassed by the whole picture.
If you haven't listened - give the vinyl a spin, YouTube it, borrow it from a friend, write your music with a ukulele. Do you.

written by ms. deeds

Take two, sexy English rock and roll gods, have them take a rockin’ Motown hit and duet it.
But it’s the 80’s and there are still all them rumors that they had had sex together.
So, yes make a video of it.

(you know, you have to add a Ziggy song to the mix.
no i don’t.
yes you do. this is David Bowie we are talking about. YOU HAVE TO HAVE A ZIGGY STARDUST SONG!!!
ok! you know Ziggy played a 12-string guitar and he was an alien.
yes, i know the story well.)

45 years after the song came out and nearly a year since his death, when Bowie sings “You’re not alone!” I can not help but know I am not.
He is, stardust, now.

I was late to the Bowie bandwagon, in a way. It wasn’t until he released Heathen (Summer of 2002) and he (seemed to be) EVERYWHERE and I wanted to make my new friend Nicole happy so I was tapping all sorts of Bowie on the TV and yeah for run on sentence!
Oktober of that year brought us Best of Bowie, a 2 CD album covering, then, 33 years of Bowie’s music. I brought it and listen to it nonstop.
There was one song I didn’t care for: “Life on Mars?”. I dug his other songs but that one just didn’t strike a chord with me.
Fast forward to September 2005, Bowie performs for the Rock Fashion Awards on CBS. He sings “Life on Mars?”
I don’t know if it’s the fact an older Bowie singing, the arrangement Mike Garson is playing on piano, or the fact it’s a live performance. Before me was a new Bowie song.
Late last year, this song came back to me. This time it was Jessica Lange singing in American Horror Story: Freak Show. It made me take pause with her rendition made me take pause.
I still don’t like “Life on Mars?” but this performance of it, it speaks to me.

Once upon a time I could conjure Bowie on the radio. It was usually this song.
And when I think of Bowie, this is about the first song I think about.

“Time may change me
But I can't trace time”

I awoke at 5:43 a.m. My phone wasn't off. My phone exists on silent unless I expect necessary communication. I am a landscaper. I make my own hours and there is never a landscaping emergency that requires you calling me during hours I want to be sleeping. Ever. Accepting Smart Phones and texting as a way of life changed me as a person. I accept the necessity, but disagree with terms.
I had a text from my sister. It read, "Sissy, I'm so sorry…" I opened Google on my phone (the irony of this hits home fully, folks) and I didn't even have to hit the news tab for my personalized feed to tell me the news became public just hours prior. I did not pretend to mourn the loss of a friend. (Though, I did take my first ever casual day to work - Slacks, chucks, and a concert shirt…) I worried the world I experience would grow less creative, wise, expressive, or bold. In the current state of affairs I worry that may be true - but I digress. I mourned for his family and loved ones. I mourned for that which he may have wanted to accomplish and was not able - but, I try to feel that empathy for every human who passes. And I try to relate to the ones living by exhibiting patience, expressing interest, and encouraging interests. (Most of the time this causes me to be interpreted as a know-it-all-bitch in white bread 'Murica). Fortunately for me…many years ago, the artistic community I sought out and my chosen family taught me it was okay to be weird. My motto is Embrace the Weird. My mantra -Don't Panic. I'll cry forever over my gratitude in human expression. This applies to Michelle Obama's speech on 1.6.17, Bowie's death, a friend expressing their love, a coworker standing up to unfair treatment etc. I'm grateful I existed in a slice of time in which I can count him as role model and leader. I’m fortunate to have and acknowledge many. In my world, few celebrities make the list It is mostly comprised of family, friends, and artists. See Section 1. Queen Bitch.
Black Star has been difficult for me to listen to. I Listened to the singles as they were released. I watched the videos intently over and over day of release… I think all the Bowiephiles knew it was coming. I certainly did.
I started listening again in December of this year. I have little family. Most of that which has been chosen has scattered across the country. So, I find my solace in music. December brought an ukulele, silly attempts to play French horn and bass despite physical limitations, and exploring the Bowie I've been unable to listen to without breaking down.
I've seen so much death. I've held it in my arms more than once. I've nearly embraced her myself. I live with chronic pain from an "invisible disease". I come from a small town where everyone knows my business. I'm far removed. And, I've got nothing left to lose. I've spent the better part of two years so high it makes my brain whirl just trying to escape a reality in which I can never seem to find my footing. Living with regret would mean I acknowledge stupidity (and other than my addiction to nicotine; I'll never admit stupidity)
In this story, just like every other - I find something just like me. And upon his passing everything takes on new meaning. I look to the heavens - and we'll all dance amongst the stars together once again. In the meantime, why not live like kings? I'll be sitting on the 11th floor watching the pigs down below for the next four years. Who else wants to reserve a spot?

written by ms. deeds

In November of 2015, Nicole told me Bowie had a new album coming out, on his birthday, in 2016.
I was excited at the first video “Blackstar”. The sounds, the look, it felt like Bowie was starting a new religion.
I do not think The Next Day was all that great. I was excited about a new year and new Bowie album.

What makes me feel better when I’m low? My music. Who do I like to listen to? David Bowie.
What was hard was the fact that what I turned to make me feel better turned into what was constantly ripping the wounds open and poring salt into them.
What grace I found when I discovered I was not alone. Many of the people I follow on social media were Bowie fans and tears and glitter was everywhere.
I must have missed the boat where everyone’s favorite Bowie song was “Space Oddity” and it was his greatest work. I like the song but I doesn’t reach out to me.
I didn’t have a favorite Bowie song before he died, I liked them all. But after his death, there was one song I kept going to, kept searching for different versions of it, sung by Bowie.
The song was “Heroes”.

I put myself under pressure to write this post. I went down to the underground, where time may change me. But I put on my red shoes and time took another cigarette as they pulled you out of the oxygen tent. I’m afraid of Americans (it took him minutes, took me nowhere) and slow burns but everyone says hi but you can be mean and I’ll drink all the time.
Hot tramp, I love you so.
Requiescat in pace, David Jones.

January 9, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1191

“Was today typical? Why or why not?”

2016: eh.
2015: eh.
2014: no. i’m still trying to sort out my new life in apparel.

January 8, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1190

“What song is stuck in your head?”

2016: none really.
2015: it took me a long time to realize why the song “Hurt” sounds with me so much. i have both Johnny Cash’s and Nine Inch Nails’ version on my itouch but it’s Johnny Cash’s that really pulls on my heart.
2014: “Counting Stars” by OneRepublic.

January 7, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1189

“You are lucky; how so or not so?”

i don’t know.
2016: sometimes, we need to let go and let the higher powers show us the way.
2015: i try to make my own luck. roll with the bad and ride the good hard.
2014: i’m a witch, i make my own luck.

January 6, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1188

“Today was tough because ___”

trying to get things together for Days of Bowie.
2016: i was sick.
2015: the slow wait till Agent Carter came on!
2014: it’s Monday and i worked.

January 5, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1187

“What was the last restaurant you went to?”

2016: McDonald’s.
2015: McDonald's.
2014: McDonald's.


i’ve been watching The OA (and Stanger Things is still way better) and i got antsy and wanted to write something.
and got paper and pen out and nothing happen.
and this blog got started last night and never got the love it needed.
and neither did my 2017 novel.
or my crocheting.
well, now what? depression coming back and sucking me down the void?
not today Satan! not today!
and yeah, nothing coming from me.
2017 had been slow but, i’m not moving inches but it still feel like i’m going forward, somehow.
need to write and crochet, at least tonight.

January 4, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1186

“The best part of today?”

the washer got fixed.
2016: i’m not working tomorrow.
2015: i was off!
2014: i’m not in electronics!

January 3, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1185

“What are you reading right now?”

2016: nothing.
2015: Neil Patrick Harris: Choose Your Own Autobiography by Neil Patrick Harris.
2014: American Gods by Neil Gaiman.

January 2, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1184

“Can people change?”

“Time may change me
But I can't trace time”

2016: i’m trying to.
2015: it is humanly possible, as our bodies changes every freaking seconds.
on the deeper stuff, i don’t know.
2014: yes.

let's go

so, hi 2017. how are you?
my New Year’s weekend went well. Matthew came up and we partied. it was a party due to the hats we had and the party size bag of chips we had.
New Year’s Day we went out. saw the grandparents, saw Rouge One (it was an ok movie; kinda knew how it was going to go down so it more of a “let’s enjoy the ride then see how it ends” movie), and then the mall.
i got my ear pierced. i kept thinking about it and i finally said the hell with it and got it done. it’s my right ear, near the top. i have a stainless-steel star in it.
i fear so weird about it. it’s not the physically weirdness but just the fact i did it.
i somehow feel more balance by it, if that makes sense.
i have the goal of GET SHIT DONE for 2017. it covers many things to if i can get one real done or make inches on all of them, then i’ve won.
of the weirder things, i want to write a book this year. the whole 50,000 words in a month is never doable with me. but 50,000 words in a year, just 137 words a day? yes. so i started and have no clue where it will take me but i threw shit out there and let’s see where we are going with it.
so, slowly as we wade into 2017, i will move, inch by inch. an inch a day will give me over 30 feet at the end of the year.
let’s go.

January 1, 2017

5 yr blog, day 1183

“What is your mission?”

2016: i’ll come back to this later.
2015: MOVE!
2014: lose 30 lbs and clean my room.