May 31, 2016

5 yr blog, day 968

“How much cash do you have in your wallet? In your bank account?”

looks at my banking app. yep.
2015: none of your damn business.
2014: not saying a word.

May 30, 2016

5 yr blog, day 967

“What’s the best thing you read today?”

didn’t read today.
2015: Kissing the Limitless by T. Thorn Coyle.
2014: i don’t think i did read today.

May 29, 2016

5 yr blog, day 966

“If you didn’t have any responsibilities for the day, what would you do?”

the same as the last 2 years, not a damn thing.
2015: again, not a damn thing.
2014: not a damn thing.

May 28, 2016

5 yr blog, day 965

"East Coast or West Coast? In between?"

no body rawer then the south side of Linn.
2015: still don’t know what you are talking about.
2014: no clue what you're talking about.

May 27, 2016

5 yr blog, day 964

"What gives you comfort right now?"

nothing right now.
2015: the love i have from my guys.
2014: the fact i sat on the floor crocheting, Matthew on my left, Colt on my right, watching a Joss Whedon movie.

May 26, 2016

5 yr blog, day 963

“List the things that nagged you today.”

i couldn’t do what i wanted for someone’s birthday so i did the best i could.
2015: nothing, really.
i celebrated today; a Tuesday, a birthday.
2014: my men.

May 25, 2016

5 yr blog, day 962

“If you could travel anywhere tomorrow, where would you go?”

i don’t know.
i know Florida will be a destination, soon.
2015: Springfield.
2014: i’m going there, Springfield Mo.

May 24, 2016

May 23, 2016

May 22, 2016

5 yr blog, day 959

“When was the last time you had an inspiring conversation?”

i don’t recall.
2015: with Nicole, over Facebook, on the Sunday.
2014: last weekend with Nicole.

May 21, 2016

5 yr blog, day 958

“What’s your salary?”

none of your damn business.
2015: none of your damn business.
2014: none of your damn business.

May 20, 2016

5 yr blog, day 957

“What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for love?”

i know i posted it was #Avergerpalzooa and this year we had #CivilWarWeekend but overall, it’s the fact i love and am loved that is the craziest thing of all.
2014: really, what has been the craziest thing? giving him all my money? trying to kiss him while he was asleep?
no, real love is what i got now. and it’s every day that is crazy.

dear 16 year old younger self, part IV

dear 16 year old me,
sit down dear. i want you to look at this picture.
see the cute guy? that's your boyfriend. see the other cute one? that's your best friend. see the other, other cute one? that's his boyfriend.
which one is which? does it matter? ya'll are getting ready to go out for hell of a good time: you and 3 gorgeous men.
i know it will 20 years, that it will be 20 years of bullshit and crap to deal with to get to this picture but it will be worth it. it will be worth the pain and tears for this night.
because this isn't only one night. you had fun last year with all three and as long as Marvel keeps making movies, you'll have many dates with them.
and before this pic, you took one of just the three of them. 

and in that moment, it hits you hard. it hits that you have these 3 men in your life who love and adore you. that the pain and tears of the past 20 years will be a hard to wipe out but, let it. let it and be free.
i know, 20 years is a long time. two of them are only 6 right now, you gotta wait for them to grow up.
it will worth it.
Stay gold Ponyboy,

May 19, 2016

5 yr blog, day 956

“What’s the most creative thing you’ve done recently?”

i am doing another #30daysofselfies and i’m almost getting into painting and i need to get back to my crocheting.
2015: #30daysofselfies.
2014: crocheting.

May 18, 2016

5 yr blog, day 955

"If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?"

the bumps in the toad of this past year is setting me up for a better time.
2015: this was a big theme last year, if i can recall correctly.
and, yes there are points where it would be nice to go back and “fix” things so i would be “living better”.
but, would i have had #Avergerpalzooa then?
2014: more on this latter.

May 17, 2016

5 yr blog, day 954

"Today you got rid of_____"

2015: short work day.
2014: Jessica's vacation.


my #CivilWarWeekend started on Friday night with dying my hair. it turned out not what i wanted but sexy anyway.
Saturday i woke up late and tried to get going. cooked Imitation Chicken Enchiladas, wrapped Colt and Jacob’s gifts, and packed.
tried to pack light. i don’t know if it worked or not.
made my way to the greater St. Robert/Waynesville area. met up with Matthew and then it was off to the Holiday Inn Express.
side trip to Wal-Mart to led me to buy Marvel pjs for myself!
back to hotel to change and then to Aussie Jack's Steaks for alligator. hell, i even had steak and shrimp, living it up!
back to the hotel for an evening of Daredevil (making a truly Marvel weekend).
Sunday morning I woke up and at them.
i was going to see my boys today.
dragged Matthew out of bed, got to ride in our stolen car that had a CD player and a spot to hook my itouch.
i love Matthew but his taste of music, dear gods. it’s either soft rock or gangster rap. nothing to jam to.
via txt, we met up with Colt and Jacob at the mall.

A) i don’t do malls.
B) i haven’t been to this mall in 18 years.
so it was a game of cat and mouse via txt that was pissing me off till we met up in the sex toy section of Spencer’s.
back to their place where i have them their MARVELous gifts (expect the body scrubs went wonky while it was sitting in the car trunk for so long. :-/)
i got gifts of a penguin, a “Hey AssButt” bracelet, and a Labyrinth t-shirt.
only because i knew i was with the 3 men that love and adore me did i take off my tank top in front of them to try on my shirt. and it’s weird because in my world, i’m not the Bowie fan, that’s Nicole. but with them, i am the Bowie fan. but it was too hot for a t-shirt and i switch back to my tank top.
Colt mostly played on his video game with his Poky People. he did put on Deadpool (the movie lives up to its rep; for a non-Marvel Marvel movie, it was ok).
finally it was 3, 4 hours till the movie and we had to get ready. the boys put on their new shirts i brought for them except they were slim fit and didn’t fit.

nerdgirl rant: last year i got the boys shirts and this year i got them shirts. 6 shirts all together. these shirts were still cheaper than the one fucking tank top i brought last year!

we ran about a pit, the park, Bass Pro, Arby's and then to the movie theater!
now the part about Colt being an ass: originally the shirt was just for Matthew. it had Daredevil in the fount and center and had a whole slew of the Marvel heroes on it. i got an idea and asked Colt if he and Jacob would be ok with wearing the same shirts for the movie. he was ok with it.
Colt spent the whole time before the movie (beside downloading Grindr and looking for guys) bemoaning the face he wasn’t wearing his Iron Man shirt and showing his support for Team Iron Man.
i had mix feels about who to root for and wasn’t on anyone’s ream (well, Team Hulk, Team Thor, Team Loki, Team Joss) so i was neutral. Matthew didn’t say anything about the shirts because he loves and Jacob is too polite to complain.
Colt was an ass. apparently i have forgot so much of an ass he his (thanks for Jacob for reminding me) but he made me feel like the biggest fool for getting them shirts in the first place. i was already on the edge and he wasn’t helping me.
then the movie; SPOILERS!
i loved the movie. it was really played with me as i’m Team Avengers and this was Avenger v Avenger.
who was right, who was wrong? both sides?
and look, we have Spider-Man in the MCU. i really don’t care.
the ending the ending. i was hoping for something Dr. Strange but no, it was Spider-Man.
i am intrigue on how this will play out for Infinity Wars.
back to Colt/Jacob’s. so many feel all at once made me feel like PMS was attacking me to the point my insides started hurting and i had dreams that my period started.
Monday came with finals for Jacob and a side trip to a witchcraft store for me, Colt, and Matthew.
the sore was the right amount of fluffy (no herbs). if i ever get my shit together, i like to go back.
back to the apartment, pack up and left a jar of Imitation Chicken Enchiladas, Colt hugged early due to bathroom need, and then there was Jacob.
Jacob, he was readying himself for a run, rolling on the floor to get the knots out of his shoulder. beside the size small t-shirt, i am amazed that the gods have granted me this soul in my life. Jacob is a collation of things i can’t stand but in him, i like him. i don’t know if i’ll ever be his friend if he wasn’t Colt’s boyfriend. i kissed him goodbye and headed up north.
Matthew was bad and booked us a room for one more night together in Rolla. we talked about stuff, a lot of stuff.
6 years together and it’s still the same LDR, seeing each other once a month.
i don’t have a home. i have a place with a bed, a landline to reach me, and a mailing address but it’s not a home.
i can't/don't sleep at night. i take melatonin to help and say goodbye to Matthew on the phone and i am surrounded by the sheer loneliness. all my friends are hour plus away and living their own life. i am so stuck in this deep, rut of depression and i don’t see a way out of it.
and that was my #CivilWarWeekend.

May 16, 2016

5 yr blog ,day 953

"What was your favorite day this week?"

Tuesdays are Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. day.
2015: well, Tuesday was the season finale of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. so i’m going with that. :-)
2014: Sunday was fun but Tuesday had the Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. finale.

May 15, 2016

5 yr blog, day 952

"What do you consider to be your biggest achievement?"

i don’t know anymore. there’s nothing i’m really proud of right now.
2014: that i am loved by my trio of best friends.

May 14, 2016

5 yr blog, day 951

"What makes a good enemy?"

2015: yeah, your best friend.
2014: sometimes, your best friend.

May 13, 2016

5 yr blog, day 950

"Who loves you today?"

Colt, Jacob, Matthew, and Nicole.
2015: Colt, Matthew, and Nicole.
2014: Colt, Matthew, and Nicole.

May 12, 2016

5 yr blog, day 949

"What are you exploring?"

being an adult.
2015: being an adult.
2014: starting a new life soon.

May 11, 2016

5 yr blog, day 948

"How do you want to be remembered?"

that i was loved and feared by many and often the same people.
2015: that i was loved and feared by many and often the same people.
2014: as the most awesome person many have ever known.

post #CivilWarWeekend

i need to sit down and write about #CivilWarWeekend. i have so many feels about Colt, Jacob, Matthew, and dear gods that movie.
the feels, yes they ran high this weekend. they messed with me so much i thought i was PMSing that that caused my uterus to kink up and i even had a dream that i started my period.
i do know that in the middle of this weekend a thought crossed my mind. either this weekend was going to inspire me to get my ass in gear or just to sink deeper and deeper into this depression.
and i know suicide is always an option with the way things have been going.
and, i feel like i’ve lost my voice. Colt said he wasn't much on social media anymore and i write with him in mind. if he’s not there, what’s the point anymore? i’m thinking of shutting down my page/groups.
i need to sit and write and see where i go from there.

May 10, 2016

5 yr blog, day 947

"How did you start your day?"

same as last 2 years.
2015: same as last year.
2014: alive.

May 9, 2016

5 yr blog, day 946

"What do you want to postpone?"

nothing. in fact, i’m behind right now.
2015: ?
2014: life?

May 8, 2016

5 yr blog, day 945

“Who do you think is cute?”

Colt, Matthew, Jacob.
2015: Matthew, Colt, and Jacob has his charms.
2014: Matthew and Colt.

pre #CivilWarWeekend

aww, another post written in a hotel room.
last night was wonderful. got here and did Aussie Jack’s. i had steak and grilled shrimp.
instead of the Hotel 8, we are at the Holiday Inn. way classier place.
and i got an awesome Marvel pjs at this Wal-Mart.
and we were able to hook Matthew’s laptop to the TV and watch Daredevil on it! man it looks great on the big screen.
and this morning, i had a dream about Colt. we were in a hotel room and somehow it got warped into a Scooby Doo episode about kids eating flowers and getting high.
i cannot wait to see him in a few hours.

May 7, 2016

5 yr blog, day 944

“Who would play you in a movie about your life? Is it a good movie?”

it would be a good movie, no matter what.
i’ve yet have anyone tell me who looks like me to play me in a movie.
2015: i really don’t know who would play me. i’ve yet had an actress, or an actor, suggest to me who i like.
and hell yeah it would be a good movie!
2014: gods know anything.

May 6, 2016

5 yr blog, day 943

“What was the last party you went to?”

last November with Nicole and Matthew.
2015: #Avengerpalzooa was my party weekend.
2014: ?

May 5, 2016

5 yr blog, day 942

“Today was hilarious because ___.”

paying bills and getting cash ready for #CivilWarWeekend.
2015: i went back to work it was ok.
2014: Jessica is going away and i’m going to be in “charge”.

May 4, 2016

5 yr blog, day 941

“When was the last time you went swimming?”

2 years ago for Matthew’s birthday.
2015: last year for Matthew’s birthday.
2014: gods if i can i recall.

set it on fire

good news and the thoughts of a positive future came crashing down last Monday.
last night i was on the internet looking at other jobs.
i don’t know what to do. i know i need to leave Owensville. i know i need to get the fuck out of the O.C.. i know what’s holding me back.
i’m saying that #CivilWarWeekend is my good time and then when i’m back to the hell i live in, it’s time to get to work on improving my life, for reals now. i need to get my shit together.
i have the money for it. i hope to my student loans paid off by the end of the year. after that, it’s onto saving for a car.
i can do this, i need to do this. there’s nothing at that store for me anymore. once Shelby leaves, i will have no friends there.
time to set things on fire.

May 3, 2016

5 yr blog, day 940

“If you could have a superpowers just for today, what would it be?”

i want to know how to fight.
2015: after watching Avengers: Age of Ultron i really want to be able to fly.
2014: speed.

May 2, 2016

5 yr blog, day 939

“Are you hesitating?”

i don’t know anymore.
2015: very badly.
2014: badly.

May 1, 2016

5 yr blog, day 938

“Messy or neat?”

*even more insane laughter*
2015: *more insane laughter*
2014: *insane laughter*