April 30, 2015

5 yr blog, day 572

“What are three words to describe your social life?”

one word right now: #Avergerpalzooa.
2014: full, nerd, complicated.

April 29, 2015

5 yr blog, day 571

“Who can you make happier? How?”

i know who i making happier, this weekend.
2014: not going there.

April 28, 2015

5 yr blog, day 570

“Who would you trade places with for just one day?”

2014: Joss Whedon, just to know about Avengers 2!


if i don’t write, get it out of my head, i might blow up.
Colt and me had a spat. he was bad and looked up spoilers for Avengers. me, i’ve been avoiding everything. things got heated with us but it’s been smoothed over.
the fucker posted the “Nothing’s been the same since New York” speech from Iron Man 3 in our Facebook group. the line that haunts me
"I have to protect the one thing I can’t live without. That’s you.”

(these problems flair up around Marvel movies and involved quotes from Marvel movies. damn you Stan Lee and Joss Whedon.)

what was making me mad was the fact he wasn’t answering the question i kept asking him: “what do you hold sacred?” he finally answered, me. i’m what most sacred to him.
and i had words for this but last night my ass called him and we talked.
i feel better about things.

April 27, 2015

5 yr blog, day 569

“What ‘type’ of person are you?”

i’m your typical German Roman Catholic school girl one wrong/born again pagan, witch, reader, writer, heterosexual life partner, ordained minister, girlfriend, lover, crocheter, proud nerdgirl, fag hag, and minion.
2014: fuck if i know. can i be jammed into one little box and boom, that’s me?

April 26, 2015

5yr blog, day 568

“How much spare change do you have?”

half a coffee can.
2014: too much and not enough.

April 24, 2015

5 yr blog, day 566

“Is life fair? Yes? No? Sometimes? Not today?”

fuck this.
2014: ha.

April 23, 2015

5 yr blog, day 565

“How would you your parents describe you? (You can call them and ask.)”

no comment.
2014: Mom calls me her devil child. and that i’m rough.

April 22, 2015

5 yr blog, day 564

“You wish you could stop ___ from happening.”

2014: bills.

April 21, 2015

5 yr blog, day 563

“What do you want to say when someone ask ‘What do you do?’”

none of your damn business.
2014: your mother.


"Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon 'em."
Shakespeare, Twelfth Night (II, v, 156-159)

while on my paid vacation, on May 2nd, 6:45 pm, i will be in an IMAX theater, seeing a 3D movie. on my right, will be my boyfriend of 5 years and a day, Matthew. on my left, will be my boyfriend of unnumbered years, Colt. on HIS left will be his boyfriend, Jacob. we will be sitting down to watch Avengers: Age of Ulton.
holy shit, how did this all happen? how did all this strangement align for this one night?
let’s break it down, for my 16 year old self.
  • A-yes, paid vacation. i have a job that pays me not to be at work.
  • B-the movie theater, IMAX 3D! from rarely seeing movies to being seeing about a movie a month. and to see it will all the bells and whistles, color and a talkie! whoot!
  • C-the movie, Avengers: Age of Ulton, i am riding the wave of MASS popularity with being down with Marvel and the Avengers. it’s all because of Joss. i found him during the lean years, with only Dollhouse and a bit of Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog. i know Buffy so i am prepared for the Darkness by Joss Whedon.
D, E, and might as well add an F to the mix for the 3 guys i’ll be with.
  • D-Matthew, we’ll be together for 5 years, friends for 14. we are totality opposites, fought, made up, still together. we may be LDRing it but we are still here.
  • E-Krazy, Coltrane, my DarkShark, Colt. foretold we would be friends, we’re connected in such a sick, twisted way, i’m still sorting it out. he’s gay but i am his girlfriend. we are soul bound until the end.
  • F-Jacob, tiny, small, Jacob. boyfriend to Colt, we’ve been txting and what not for the past month. very hard to accept that there is a guy who is excited to meet me, wants to meet me.
it’s when it all hit me, that this is a dream, a wild dream my 16 yr old self would never have thought would come true. i don’t even think i would have come up with something this awesome.
so, i’m living beyond my 16 yr old self dreams.
really, fuck anyone who says their high school years were the best years of their lives.

i'm the only woman...

i want this down, for all to remember.
it was a week ago that i had Shelby on her hands and knees for her to be up my skirt.
that it all.
and with Mom fixing my shirt, gods i am going to be hot for Avengers.
and the only good accessories for this ensemble, will be the 3 bottoms with me.

April 20, 2015

5 yr blog, day 562

“How many times did you curse today?”

only at the dryer and my worthless father.
2014: fuck if i know.

April 19, 2015

5 yr blog, day 561

“What famous person would you like to bring back from the dead to have dinner with?”

still don’t know who i would pick.
2014: eep. i don’t know who i would pick…

April 18, 2015

5 yr blog, day 560

“Write down a problem you solved today.”

i don’t think i had any problems.
2014: Mom is going to deposit my refund check.

April 17, 2015

5 yr blog, day 559

"What do you think is your biggest shortcoming?"

my lack to do anything.
2014: my room.

April 16, 2015

5 yr blog, day 558

“What’s a political issue that interests you?”

gay rights and legalizing pot.
2014: all of them.

April 15, 2015

5 yr blog, day 557

“Which celebrity would you want to interview?”

Stan Lee.
2014: first thought Tom Hiddleston followed by the louder voice of wanting Joss Whedon.

April 14, 2015

5 yr blog, day 556

“If you could acquire a talent (without any extra effort), what would it be?”

to have the motivation to do what i need to do.’
2014: to fly.

April 13, 2015

5 yr blog, day 555

“What is your favorite thing to do on a Sunday morning?”

go to work. how ironic.
2014: how ironic it is Sunday today.
i like sleeping in. 

April 12, 2015

5 yr blog, day 554

“Write down a new fact you learn today.”

so more than ready to get the fuck out of here.
2014: did not learn anything today.

April 11, 2015

5 yr blog, day 553

“What sound effect are you most like today?”

Hulk smash.
2014: eastern European swearing.

April 10, 2015

5 yr blog, day 552

“A chore you ignored today______.”

had none. went to work.
2014: all of them. 

April 9, 2015

5 yr blog, day 551

“Where do you feel most at home?”

2014: nowhere.

April 8, 2015

5 yr blog, day 550

“What is your secret passion?”

i think my passions are known.
2014: i'm dead on the inside.

dear 16 year old younger self, part III

dear 16 yr old self,
it’s been a long time. let’s have a talk.
lots happen since the last letter. we are doing ok right now. things could be better but eh, roll with the punches.
we are gearing up for a fun filled weekend at the end of the month for Avengers. what was planned as an intimate date with your boyfriends (yes, we still have two) is now a double date.
you will be the only girl and only straight person in the group.
also, and what is weird, you will gain 100 lbs and feel sexier then you are now. it’s more about your attitude then the weight but, you will have boobs and an ass that will even make the gay boys shout.
also, you will become a skilled tarot card reader. your friends will want readings and even guys who don’t know you will be impressed. embraced this gift.
funny, how we liked the idea of witchcraft and paganism because of an female deity. we end up praying to the Hulk. i’m confused if he’s our favorite Avenger but he is our god. there is comfort in his prayer:

Hulk smash. 
Hulk smash now. 

Hulk ready to fight.
but gods know what Joss is doing to him in Age of Ultron.
but, back to the boys. i know, all you wanted was to be liked and accepted. that’s why we fell in love with Phantom so much. well, it’s hard to take in all the love you will get. i laugh and kid about the boys and dates, but really, they like you. they want to be with you. they talk you up so much that others that THEY can’t wait to meet you.
you are loved, and loved by many.
i know, it’s hard to take in, and even i still have problems with it. you think after that break down in August i would have gotten over it but no and i am derailing.
ok, so life is good right now. we are moving onto so much better things.
kid, we are going to be so fucking awesome we won’t be able to handle it. thankfully we have so many friends that will help us: Nicole, Matthew, Colt, and Shelby.
i’m gonna go have a cocktail and clean our room.
talk to you later,

April 7, 2015

5 yr blog, day 549

“What colors are you wearing?”

2014: i'm nude at the moment.

work that ass

by rough count, i’ve lost 21.4 pound since 2014.
and i’ve lost more weight, just this year then i did all of 2014.
what really hit me was i don’t remember the last time my knees were creaky.
tomorrow i get out the tape measure and see if the inches are coming out.
the biggest difference i can tell is that i can wear pants in the store. they are size 26 but, i’m there!
and the sit-ups with the ab lounger. working on those. i can feel it, so i take it is working.
i forget about my stripper workout. i need to do that tomorrow.
and with this month, i’m building. an extra 3 mins on the walks, and extra 5 sit-ups on the ab lounger.
the reason for this push, the real reason, i want to be prettier than Colt. he’s at a gym, with a partner, i’m out here in the sticks, alone. i’m doing the best i can and damn if it’s not working.

April 6, 2015

5 yr blog, day 548

“What was the last take out meal you ordered?”

it’s been a long time since i had pizza…
2014: out in the sticks, there is none takeout.

April 5, 2015

5 yr blog, day 547

“________was inspiring.”

Avengers: Age of Ultron.
2014: i just have not felt inspired in a long time.

April 4, 2015

5 yr blog, day 546

“If you could wish for one thing to happen today, what would it be?”

that i open, not closed.
2014: Colt not having to move away.

April 3, 2015

5 yr blog, day 545

“Did you have fun today? Because?”

no. the storms from last night made me on edge and with the news of yesterday, i feel lost on how to get ahead.
2014: yes. because it's Thor'sDay and i watched Thor. :-)


where do i start? it took me 3 weeks to write about my wild time in STL. mostly because i had horrible writer’s block about it. do you know who gave me words to write? Colt.
he came up here last weekend for a covert operation. i only got to see him for a moment, his mom was being creepy and hanging around too much.
he’s thinner, tanner.
i think Jeffery’s dead.
he gave me a magic towel that had the Hulk on it (which begs the question, who is my favorite Avenger? do i even have one? i pray to the Hulk, so he’s more of my god than anything else).
and him coming up to see me, being a year after that night i lost off my shit in the grotto (thank you Timehop) just, gak.
so many feels, so many tears, so much i don’t know and can’t find words or pics to put it down.
i’m not going to reshash what i have said so many times.
and the things, the “cuz we’re connected” things. that Friday afternoon i got, like mini panic attacks with thoughts of seeing Avengers with Colt. unbeknownst to me, his ass was heading north towards me.
and that’s another thing, he never tell me directly about this. it’s not like coded txts, it’s on fucking social media. like, i’m not good enough to be told. i got to play this game.
i been burn by this. once upon a time, i thought i could patch things up with [previous encounters] but the one time he called me, and said he was in town and then left…
i don’t want to be treated like that. not by my DarkShark.
and like the whole weekend, “Stay With Me” was back on the radio.
i saw him. i cold write my weekend at Nicole’s. i wrote a poem. words, words came out of me. words are coming out of me.
words and Colt do not go together. i have tried to write, and end up with stick figures to tell the story.
not this time. i have words.
what is going on?

April 2, 2015

April 1, 2015

5 yr blog, day 543

“Who are you fooling?”

no one.
2014: everyone.

my weekend at my girlfriend's

the plan was to leave my house by 1 to get to Nicole’s by 4. Matthew got to my house late, due to having to go to the loan sharks with his mother.
and he drove slow.
we made it to Union, ate at Taco Bell, had to go to Wal-Mart because someone forgot their socks (not me) (and i thought Union’s Wal-Mart was bigger than mine was, it’s not). and then onto the Interstate.
one short stop to the cigar store, we made it to Nicole’s. thank gods.
we sat, drank water, Nicole cleaned out Matthew’s van, because she was going to ride in the back because we were going to the strip club!
this is why we had to stop the cigar store. Matthew needed them to smoke while we are at the club.
we make our way, across the Mississippi River, to the Larry Flynt’s Hustler Club St. Louis in Washington Park, Illinois. we went out of state!
walked in, there was a naked woman, tied to a St. Andrew’s cross, crying, being whipped, loudly.
did i mention it was fetish night?
it was a lot to take in all at once, being it was my first time at a strip club (yes, i know, 34 and just now doing to a strip club).
it was an eye opener, really, with it being fetish night and all. once girl was just wearing heels and a collar. all ages, all bodies wearing everything or nothing.
and then the strippers.
there were 4 or 5 that rotated the whole night. one was a blonde with great boobs (Matthew got a lap dance from her), one had no boobs, and one was a bitch about all the freaks being there (the fetish people).
there was a black stripper. she had mad skills. she climb to the top of the pole, get mad spinning speed, and then down, boom, into a splits.
mad skills.

while me and Nicole was watching her spin and drop, Nicole said that they don’t have this back in the O.C.
you mean black people? i replied.
the look on her face.

Nicole, at one point, changed from her dress to just her shoes and underwear, going topless for the night.
i tried not to look, but, boobs. she has large areolas for her boobs. maybe it’s just my lack of being around different boobs.
and then there’s Matthew.
he wore his long sleeve button up, black shirt, and because he had his blazer in the van, that too.
we ran into one of Nicole’s friends, Mike, and Matthew told him he felt like the Kingpin. they then sat and talked about comic books, while at the strip club. the best part was when Mike ran into use again, said “Excuse me Mr. Fisk.”
see, i like my guys in makeup and dresses. but seeing Matthew dressed up, smoking that cigar, watching the naked women dance, it was the sexist i ever seen him.
and the place had free WiFi! we are going back in November!
Friday Nicole had to go to orientation for her new job, leaving me and Matthew to entertain ourselves. we choose Star Trek: Deep Space Nine on Netflix. first was the pilot and then Worf’s wedding.
Nicole has two dogs, Zoe and Hanners. Zoe is big and you will love her or she will just make her love you and Hanners was abused. She was leery of me and Matthew the weekend. she walked and when i asked her if she wanted to watch Star Trek with us, she left.
i take it she’s not a Trekkie dog.
Nicole came home, we bummed, we got ready for Phantom. Nicole’s friend Shaughnessy came over. he’s a bass player for a punk band that was going on tour in England the week after. we pick Taco Tower to eat.
Nicole’s a pscatarian. she asked me wanted sounded better on the menu: the avocado dish or the mushroom dish.
i said ew to both.
she got the avocado.
i had steak.
we make it to the Fox. it has been far too long.
Nicole got a drink, I got the Phantom drink (water down piƱa colada). we uses the powdered room and kept running into hordes of high school girls. Nicole asked what happen if we sat next to them.
i wish we did.
our seats were kick ass. the binoculars were uber good. the fact we sat by older persons who talked, txted during the show blew our minds. i paid $500 for theses seats, what the hell? it would have been better to sit in the middle of high schoolers, at least we could get their chaperone to wheel them in.
the show. i will have to post that later.
back to Nicole’s. me and Matthew changed into our matching pj’s. Matthew passed out, face down, and Nicole was talking to him thinking he was me and was wondering why my ass was so small.
me and Nicole had a good talk about LIFE.
Saturday, our last day. Nicole had a bit at her new job, came home and we went to the zoo.
yes, i adulted my weekend with strip club, Broadway musical, and then zoo.
saw the prairie dogs, the male peacock was full on strutting, and Nicole dropped her phone into the prairie dog pit. and saw the red pandas.
the penguin house just opened up the week before. the kings were wonderful. the rockhoppers were pissed off. i told Nicole to beware, the penguin upraising was coming.
i caved and got a stupid BFF penguin necklace for me and Nicole, and Matthew found a African penguin to add to my collection.
a go around in the Herpetarium and then we came home.
oh!  Hanners did let me pet her, scratched her belly, and i got her tag to wag!  whoot!
packed up the van and me and Matthew headed home.
we stopped in Coulmbia to see Grandma and Grandpa Bob, Barns and Nobel and then back to the O.C.
Colt better bring his A game if he’s going to make Avengers weekend better.