January 3, 2015

the woman in the mirror



there’s two times a day i really look at myself in the mirror, morning and night. at night, it’s after my shower, with the mirror all fogged up. it’s then when i’m really inspired to take a pic and send it to Colt.
mornings are a different story.
most mornings, i go to work. i have on my navy and khaki, put my hair up in my knots, and look myself in the eye.
it wasn’t until i went on my date with Colt on the 19th that i realized something.
i got off work, went to the john, became human (first clue) and saw that Shelby was on break and followed her to the break room to chat. i had on jeans, purple shirt, and my hair was down. people were amazed how long my hair is and how pretty it is.
with that, it hit me.
i see myself in work clothes so much (and to be honest, my work clothes are true fightin’ clothes with no thought on how i look in them) that chips away from my already low self-esteem. i don’t feel human in that mess of navy and khaki.

(IT DON’T HELP THAT THIS IS CATHOLIC SCHOOL GARB! OH THE FLASHBACKS AND PTSD!)



case in point, when me and Colt when to see Thor 2/Loki 3, i think i shocked the boy when i appeared in A) *gasp* all women’s clothes and B) *gasp* so “normal” looking!
i may be rough but i clean up good.
this “uniform” for the store is/has fucked with my identity also. Nicole told me she was going to make necklaces for her girlfriends, each one to fit the person’s personal style.
and i thought to myself, “i don’t have a personal style.”
she had to remind me i am gothic.
i don’t suffer from low self-esteem, work forces it on me, every day, every day i put on my work clothes, clothes i would have NEVER by for myself, sucking away what little bit of my identity i have and force myself into some mold.
but, that night with Colt (as most nights/days/dates with him proves) i have discover the problem and can deal with it better.

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