January 3, 2015

the woman in the mirror

there’s two times a day i really look at myself in the mirror, morning and night. at night, it’s after my shower, with the mirror all fogged up. it’s then when i’m really inspired to take a pic and send it to Colt.
mornings are a different story.
most mornings, i go to work. i have on my navy and khaki, put my hair up in my knots, and look myself in the eye.
it wasn’t until i went on my date with Colt on the 19th that i realized something.
i got off work, went to the john, became human (first clue) and saw that Shelby was on break and followed her to the break room to chat. i had on jeans, purple shirt, and my hair was down. people were amazed how long my hair is and how pretty it is.
with that, it hit me.
i see myself in work clothes so much (and to be honest, my work clothes are true fightin’ clothes with no thought on how i look in them) that chips away from my already low self-esteem. i don’t feel human in that mess of navy and khaki.


case in point, when me and Colt when to see Thor 2/Loki 3, i think i shocked the boy when i appeared in A) *gasp* all women’s clothes and B) *gasp* so “normal” looking!
i may be rough but i clean up good.
this “uniform” for the store is/has fucked with my identity also. Nicole told me she was going to make necklaces for her girlfriends, each one to fit the person’s personal style.
and i thought to myself, “i don’t have a personal style.”
she had to remind me i am gothic.
i don’t suffer from low self-esteem, work forces it on me, every day, every day i put on my work clothes, clothes i would have NEVER by for myself, sucking away what little bit of my identity i have and force myself into some mold.
but, that night with Colt (as most nights/days/dates with him proves) i have discover the problem and can deal with it better.

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