January 31, 2015
January 30, 2015
um, yeah. keeping a journal, online to boot, for the past 14 years. don’t know how i can forget anything at this point.
2014: what’s the point of having a blog for 13 odd years if you want to forget something?
tomorrow is a full fun day of work. i’m off early and then my plans are straight home, a shower, and then pjs and something low-key and with a cocktail.
Sunday, Sunday is going to be fun. i’m going for a walk, bust out the ab lounger, and then some live Tweeting the Super Bowl.
what’s been really great is me and Nicole talking so much the past few days. i’ve forgotten how great it is to have someone with so much history be in your life. Matthew and Colt are wonderful but Nicole, she knows me and saw me grow into what Matthew and Colt sees.
they love me for the woman she made me.
this year is really about me getting better, in so many ways, on so many lvls. slowly, but so surely, it is happening.
i’m scared but i know this is long overdue. so long overdue.
i will come out of this, in a new woman.
January 29, 2015
January 28, 2015
January 27, 2015
i am working an hour a day, on my days off, in my room. it felt slow at first by now, now i see that it’s working so well to do this. square foot at a time, i’m getting space back. i know that the next chunk will be going through my clothes, so i won’t see things move.
except out. i hope to get rid of stuff i don’t need/want.
it’s not so much as a need to reduce as more, “really? will i be happy keeping thing or happier with the free space of not having it?”
and with that thought, i will be getting rid of some of my penguins. i had the though before but voted it down. now i know that i need to. culling the crèches will be sotra hard but i know, someone will find them and love them just as much as i have.
and then onto the shelf of other stuff critters and a culling of them.
if Nicole, Matthew, Colt, did not give it to me, or it’s not as old as me, it’s going away.
it’s gonna be scary and there will be tears, i can feel it.
in “better” news, went to K-Mart, and bitches, i got new jeans.
yes, they are size 26 but they FIT and next year, they will be size 24!
i will be smaller. if it’s 9 pounds a year, by damn then so be it. this is my fight and i am WINNING.
and next month starts the walks! and other things that i’m not saying.
i will be prettier then Colt come May!
and me and Nicole have been txting and talking more lately.
we’ve been friends for 13 years now. sometimes i forget that we have been through so much shit, that we understand each other so much better.
and with the kittys back, and my birdfeeder bring me much joy, fuck all the haters right now. i will take you out, and i don’t mean for dinner and a movie.
January 26, 2015
January 25, 2015
January 24, 2015
Penguin Magicks: a combo of my talents of witchcraft and of crocheting.
2014: Penguin Magicks: a combo of my talents of witchcraft and of crocheting.
January 23, 2015
January 22, 2015
January 21, 2015
January 20, 2015
when i was 16, i told the only blood grandfather i have ever known he was going to burn in hell for killing my grandma.
i don’t give a fuck about grudges anymore.
2014: well, my sister told me i’m going to hell and i’m not all into her now.
i was going to go to Jeff to get a new headlight but, i’m just too fucking tired. i never got out of my pjs, never put on a bra today.
i did work an hour in my room. i’m getting shit down, slowly, but fuck all if it’s not real!
i even sent Matthew a pic of it.
next step, get the lounger out and working, get Lose It working, and on the 1st, start walking on my days off.
Mom will be working soon, things should start going in my favor.
i’m still not feeling it for seeing Phantom and Nicole in March.
sorta not feeling it to see Avengers: Age of Ulton with Colt.
think it’s time for pills, booze, and sleep.
January 19, 2015
i’m waiting for it to be Tuesday cuz Dawn will be in trouble and it will be my day off.
just got down with 6 in a row and this time, it hurt. that, along with a period that won’t start, and news from a friend, put me in a dark place that i didn’t want to be. it got to a point where i asked myself is this me or just the darkness wanting to take over?
it was the darkness.
it’s the same story, depression. the sad fact everyone grows up and moves away and i’m still stuck, same place for 35 years, no hope of moving on. it’s t the point where i tell myself, don’t dream of marriage and children, it ain’t happening to you.
i’m not going to start down the passive aggressive road, with this blog. i’ll save that for Twitter. i did an experiment of sorts today and it showed sad.
worked an hour in my room. i’m caught up with that.
need to get my crochet together. by May 1st, i want all my near and dears to have at least one personal “doll” from me.
do i leave this post on a sad and dark note or find something uplifting about life in general?
all i got to do is stay white and die.
January 18, 2015
January 17, 2015
January 16, 2015
January 15, 2015
i really feel the need to write here because i have the internet in my room.
problem is, i don’t have anything to say.
i’m an hour behind in working on my room.
work is sucky due to CUTTING everyone house and the few that are supposed to be here, they are out on illness/injury. means there’s no one at the store. yeah!
my four days off might not happen. that won’t be a bad thing.
staying up till 1, 2 in the morning is bad. i need to stop. or, be crocheting till 1 or 2 in the morning. that, that i could live with.
January 14, 2015
January 13, 2015
January 12, 2015
long story short, we got “better” internet so now i can get it on my laptop in my room. all i need is a bag of Milky Ways and a piss jar and i never have to leave my room!
lost more postings should be coming to you. LOTS!
speaking of my room, i worked on it for an hour yesterday. did i get anything done? well, i now have a system and a bag for clothes that need to be given away. it’s a start. hope to work on it an hour on every day off. bit by bit.
speaking of life, i wanted to start off the year and, it’s not happening as well as i want. new plan, February 2nd is the new start. it’s Imbolc, first of the spring sabbats so, let’s hope for a better.
January 11, 2015
it was about a year ago when Open Diary went down. i had journal there for 13 odd years. i doubt that 22 year old girl even recognized the 34 year old woman today.
Blogger was found and became another place for me to feel self-important. i started off with “no love of the wind”, a line i have no clue where it came from. now, it’s “pray to the shadow” (again, no clue where it came from) and i’m happy with it.
i’m amerwitch, bitter witch. it’s been a long trip from “bitter~virgin” to being a bitter witch.
bitter~virgin was a lost Catholic school girl refugee with no love. amerwitch is a lost pagan soul with 2 boyfriends who love her dearly.
Johnny Depp has been replaced with Tom Hiddleston.
i found Buffy and Joss Whedon and now it’s Marvel forever.
i became a witch, became lapsed, and now reworking that old black magick.
i took up crocheting, hardcore because it was the first magick i was taught.
4 jobs, 3 boyfriends, Ray, an angel, my own little fag to hag over, forever Nicole there thought the mix.
haven’t been the best blogger. Pagan Blog Prompts and 5 yr blog had taken much but i’m trying to get back into the swing of things. it’s not so much for the numbers but to get the demons out of my head.
1,000 down, another 1,000 to go.
January 10, 2015
January 9, 2015
January 8, 2015
it took me a long to time to realize why the song “Hurt” sounds with me so much. i have both Johnny Cash’s and Nine Inch Nails’ version on my itouch but it’s Johnny Cash’s that really pulls on my heart.
2014: “Counting Stars” by OneRepublic.
January 7, 2015
January 6, 2015
so far, i think i’m doing go. i’m slowly getting this set up to become a new and improve amerwitch.
and it is true. i’m turning 35 this year, and every 7 years you get a new body. maybe this year, after i spin myself a cocoon and come out on my birthday, my mutant powers will bloom and i’ll have vampire teeth, a tail, or wings. or all three!
if the weather would be better (warmer) i would be able to start walking. i need to venter into the sheds and see if i can get something… for working out. ;-)
i did get my money under wraps. i have none so it’s easy to watch it.
i need to get my diet app updated and then we can roll with that.
need to get my crocheting up and running. i got things to make for Colt, Matthew and Shelby.
epp. i need to get to the hooks.
and really, what the hell am i to do for Colt for VD day? sending a card seems so, icky.
and they frown at printing nudes at the photo lab at work.
i might be going over overnights to deal with shoes. part of me thinks this will be ok and another part of me fears for the weirdness that got me last time i went on overnights. only this time, i don’t have the cure.
he’s in Springfield.
but, in uplifting news: there’s a 4 yr old who now calls me Aunty Amer. my Christmas gift was the best and am the best thing, ever.
watch Agent Carter tonight! it will be great cuz, it’s Marvel!
January 5, 2015
January 4, 2015
January 3, 2015
there’s two times a day i really look at myself in the mirror, morning and night. at night, it’s after my shower, with the mirror all fogged up. it’s then when i’m really inspired to take a pic and send it to Colt.
mornings are a different story.
most mornings, i go to work. i have on my navy and khaki, put my hair up in my knots, and look myself in the eye.
it wasn’t until i went on my date with Colt on the 19th that i realized something.
i got off work, went to the john, became human (first clue) and saw that Shelby was on break and followed her to the break room to chat. i had on jeans, purple shirt, and my hair was down. people were amazed how long my hair is and how pretty it is.
with that, it hit me.
i see myself in work clothes so much (and to be honest, my work clothes are true fightin’ clothes with no thought on how i look in them) that chips away from my already low self-esteem. i don’t feel human in that mess of navy and khaki.
case in point, when me and Colt when to see Thor 2/Loki 3, i think i shocked the boy when i appeared in A) *gasp* all women’s clothes and B) *gasp* so “normal” looking!
i may be rough but i clean up good.
this “uniform” for the store is/has fucked with my identity also. Nicole told me she was going to make necklaces for her girlfriends, each one to fit the person’s personal style.
and i thought to myself, “i don’t have a personal style.”
she had to remind me i am gothic.
i don’t suffer from low self-esteem, work forces it on me, every day, every day i put on my work clothes, clothes i would have NEVER by for myself, sucking away what little bit of my identity i have and force myself into some mold.
but, that night with Colt (as most nights/days/dates with him proves) i have discover the problem and can deal with it better.