April 17, 2014


"And behold, there shall come a time
when a shark of darkness meets a
bitter witch.
And the world will never be the same."

maybe it was not so glorious said as that, but it was foretold that me and Colt were going to get along.
in the last six months, anytime i spent quality time with Colt, i would go back the last 4, 5 years and wonder how my life ended up, sleeping on the floor of a kid 10 years my jr, apartment and having such a weird relationship.
this happens about once a week.
in the middle of this, there was a day, i wanted 24 hours of not seeing him, talking to him, txting, just no Colt.
he showed up at McDonalds on my lunch break to show me the story he wrote about me.
how deep i was in.
there was a semester when Colt would work a half day on Thor'sDay (before we had trucks on those nights). i remember laying all his shit out, everything that was wrong with him.
his eyes widen and he wanted to know how i knew him so well.
"coz i was just like you ten years ago."
maybe we are too much alike or different sides of same coin.
things went on, he telling me when he lost his virginity (and then the betrayal i felt when he lied to me about it. i listen to Johnny Cash's "Hurt" a lot that week), clocking him a new hookup once a paycheck, my endless nicknaming his "friends", sleepovers, dates, gifts given so from the heart there's blood on them.
"You and I remember Budapest very differently."
and it all came down to a Saturday: 3/29/2014.
in the weeks before that night, Colt got a new job at Brass Pro Shop in Springfield, found an apartment, and got a transfer to the Branson Walmart.
that Saturday night was our last night in the DarkShark's Grotto.
Colt worked late so I got his key and made my way there. everything was gone, packed up except for the TV, laptop combo to play Frozen.

side note: i didn't care for Frozen. it's a bullshit to call it animation when it's all computer. plus half for Disney trying to get away from the old trope but eh. it really irked me that the only "cure" for Elsa's powers was to repress them instead of learning to CONTROL THEM! and while watching, me and Colt were being cute by making Game of Throne references. then i realized he was actually making Skyrim references. we didn't realized it halfway that movie.

he wrote me a letter and i read it and cried. 
i showered, put on my pjs, sans undergarments, tried to take a nap (that or i just laid on the floor with my eyes closed while Thor played on my itouch).
he came home, shower, pjs, with undergarments. he opened his gifts, the fake ones of pens, highlighters, Sharpies, and salt and pepper. then the real gifts: a shark tank top, LEGO Marvel Super Heroes and a Castiel doll.
he kissed me. motherfucker kissed me on the ear. we have a deep and intimate relationship, where we don’t touch each other and he fucking kisses me.
he’s number 7. 8 if we count girls.
ok, so we watch the movie, and pizza rolls, and i’m doing shots of vodka that ends up with me having being drunk with an emotional breakdown, panic attack, metaphysics panic attack, and just lost my shit, all at once.
if he only threw salt on me.
daylight came. we hugged in the parking lot and we drove away.  the last i saw of him was his red truck in my side mirror.
i got home and Mom wanted to go to the store. i couldn’t. i couldn’t. i stayed home.
i started this thing where i write letters to my 16 yr old self.
tonight, i would tell her to enjoy her single life. that shit gets weird when you have to deal with two men in your life, both that love you and you love them.
and that you really need to learn Excel so you can make a spreadsheet to keep track of their shirt sizes.

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